Thursday, Aug. 19, 2004 - 1:09 p.m.

Interview with the Employer

As I write this, I hear hordes of people screaming in terror in the distance. The Lane County Fair is back, and they must have set up a roller coaster. Or perhaps it's a really scary Ferris Wheel--there's no Six Flags nearby, so maybe that's sufficient to scare the bejesus out of the locals. And speaking of bejesus, as I was leaving to go help make another live episode of Anarcho-Primitivism Today, I could hear the Doobie Brothers live at the fair singing "Jesus is Alright with Me", and i was like, "oh, I think I've heard that one before. It's one of those classic rock songs I blot out of my consciousness as insignificant." I digress.

On Tuesday, I had a job interview with a software and web design company. They were looking for someone who knows XML and JavaScript. I had read part of a book on XML three years ago, and I use JavaScript for rollovers, but can't write it from scratch. So I put my mind to the grindstone and tried to learn XML in just a week. I succeeded, at least well enough to write one XML document that was well-formed and validated by a Schema I made, and transformed by an XSL stylesheet I made with embedded CSS. I didn't get around to learning much more about JavaScript, but I made some web pages demonstrating what I did know.

The interview was harrowing, but I don't think I did anything terribly wrong. My interviewer was dressed more casually than I, and he had long hair in a ponytail, so I don't think my hair was a liability. I don't remember saying anything particularly stupid. My main regret is just being underqualified.

My interviewer knew his stuff, so I was in no position to bluff him. As a result, I spent the majority of the interview clarifying exactly how much I did not know. Responding to his questions, I was forced to reveal that no, I actually do not do web design/development full time. My interviewer seemed to react to this with shock and dismay. To his question, "is HTML valid XML?" I answered correctly: "No, unless it's XHTML," but the rest of the time I was saying things like, "I don't know", "I'm fuzzy on that", and "I don't have a deep understanding of that yet." When asked to explain the role of a template in XSL, I had not a clue. I had used the template tag correctly in my stylesheet, but I had no concept of what it does, or why it is necessary. I did not recall what X-Path is. My interviewer shot me glances which I interpreted as disappointment and disapproval.

This interview was really hard on my need for acceptance and my sense of self-worth. Afterwards, I tried to console myself by telling myself that I gave it my best shot, that I should be proud I learned XML in such a short time. But that wasn't what I was concerned about. What worries me is: will I ever be able to find a niche for myself that utilizes the capbabilities I have, that doesn't require capabilities I don't have (or else helps me to develop them), and that doesn't destroy me in the process?

I was pretty unsettled by this, but I managed to get myself more together by doing the usual: patiently accepting the discomfort until it reintegrates. Stand up straight, tighten the solar plexus for confidence, relax the belly to feel secure. Still had a bad night's sleep, but felt okay the next day.

I'll find out next week if I got hired for anything. I bet that there are enough qualified applicants that it won't be worth it to them to let me learn on the job. If they're not willing to let me be an XML programmer or web designer, it would be great to get at least a tech support position. Then I could give up being a professional people-botherer via my current stint doing phone surveys. Having a full-time job at this tech firm would crimp my leisure to write my book and sing, but I'm willing to make the tradeoff to gain the options that would come with having so much surplus income.

I keep reminding myself that it's all a choice, and I make these choices because I have certain strategies. I only have a job at all so I can continue renting my shed. I rent my shed so I can have a stable place to sleep and refrigerate food and cook food, and have a DSL connection and electricity to run my desktop computer so I can write my book and a place to practice singing. I don't think I could persue those same strategies while living under a bridge. But that doesn't mean there might not be some other strategies that might better meet my needs that I haven't thought of yet. Like maybe I could live in a camper vehicle, like so many in Eugene do, and run a solar-powered laptop, use free wireless internet connections, sing in the vehicle, and maybe give up refrigeration? I'd need money to make that switch, though. I dunno.

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