Thursday, Feb. 19, 2004 - 10:10 p.m.

A Most Stressful Day

Today was really rough for me. Though, there were a several pleasant hours mixed in, so I can't call it my worst day ever, or anything so superlative. I awoke feeling physically and mentally awful. Eating was an afterthought today, but I didn't notice feeling any better after I did eat. I worked for a while, and then came home to make the final decision over whether I was going to be a human lab rat. The doctor heading the study gave me a call and explained that there was some infintessimal risk of death, it was mitigated by my young age, the low dosage, and careful monitoring of my INR. He sent me this PDF, which said that, "very low intensity warfarin regimens [...] have been found to be safe in certain populations". He said the risk was comparable to me getting injured in an automobile accident on my way to the study. Probably true, I guessed. I had an extremely hard time making the final decision. I decided not to go. I'm haunted by the thought that it was not the right decision. I nearly had a brain hemmorage from the stress alone. I felt like tearing my face off with my fingernails, so desperate was I to stop the screaming in my head. It did soon subside, however. I don't understand why, given my relative privilege and comfort compared to those in the world who endure actual poverty and oppression, I feel so wrenched apart. I'm getting more skilled in remembering to return attention to my body and the present moment, and remembering that I can change my attitude, but when I'm in the thick of doing things, things with real consequences at stake, I'm still way too attached.

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